Beyond Everything: Finding Your Authentic Self.

 I sat there, unable to move or breathe properly. My heart pounded against my ribcage as I tried to comprehend what I had just seen. Was that some monster staring at me in broadlight? Deep down, I was crying my heart out,as a lump formed in my throat. I couldn’t let out the screams and cries of agony. I immediately thought of my mum but then shifted to my focus on Jesus as she had always taught me, ‘Our help comes from the Lord.’

 

There I was again like a little girl, helpless, wishing on a miracle from someone I didn’t exactly know but knew Him better after attending my Catholic Church schooling. I had to cry to a saint to pray for me to the Angels who’ll then ask Angel Michael to fight my battles after receiving God’s grace. This gave me a little bit of courage to rise up on my feet slowly to have a final glimpse of the beast before knowing my fate.

 

The wall became my support as my knees were quite feeble. I slowly pushed the curtain aside and I saw her. There she was glaring into the room, she wasn’t moving at all and I could see her face in detail. She seemed like someone who had a fair bit in life when it came food but a harsh one when it came to her eyes. She had short hair and a bumpy face which seemed quite swollen maybe cause of her luck when it came to devouring meals.

 

I just stood there unable to move not necesarilly knowing when to do. I moved on to her clothes, she was in a white tee which was floral( with big unpatterned blue flowers.) I had seen that material before but couldn’t seem to recall the details. That’s when it hit me it was a certain old mama’s dress who liked to visit me and my sister’s room at night. I would always close my eyes and she would disappear, I wanted to try the same technique but then remembered the old mama was my imagination but the monster right infront of me was actually in the land of living.

 

Just maybe just maybe the thin line between my imagination and my normal world had become blurry…

That’s when God’s grace intervened as I slowly faded into this room when someone said, ‘Ahem.’ I was finally free right? I hope so I pray it wasn’t the monster outside. Yes, I was, I was seating directly opposite my therapist. The blurriness became clearer and clearer; I heaved out a sigh of relief.

 

I quickly questioned my sanity before she did cause I knew any worse progress would be a recommendation to an assylum.

‘That was not a nightmare, we did a task yesterday that would make you picture yourself as you normally do. She was not a monster but rather how you feel about yourself.’

 

That was all I could hear as my mother gave me tea afterwards trying to inquire a few things about the therapy session. I had only one goal in my mind to prove to me that I was nothing like that monster.

However, it slipped through my mind as I had to feel better before joining my agemates on a mission to prove who was the most fit to start studying some Bachelors.

 

A few years down the line, I started my personal journey though, ready to heal! I sat on my bed and went through some key points in life, I had to write what I loved the most about me and what I hated the most. I discovered something really weird, all my negative tended to lean on the side of other people’s expectations of me but what God had given me was enough and wholesome; enough to make a really special ,unique and gifted girl.

 

I cried my heart out and asked myself one question, How many people have and are currently are or will soon drive themselves to an early grave just because we live in an environment where people have expectations of you? yet don’t throw a manual at you or even if they do, how many of them really care about the repurcussions? I closed my book and slowly started talking to the ‘monster.’ We have a few things to change about that. I walked to my mirror, remembered her and said, ‘look at the mirror, we are nothing like that and if someone ever said or did something to make you feel that way, he or she was trying to make you turn into them. We have our own path in life and Jesus chose this one for us so they can either sit down and despise you for not changing into a monster like them or learn a few things from you!’

If you are still reading this, take some time to yourself and ask yourself if you are really as bad as you feel daily. If not, teach yourself how to make you, you and you’ll be happier. It's never too late to start; a destination’s path never changes unless the first rider changed the signpost. But you have the whole map mapped out in your heart and gut; it's never wrong!

 

I had such a long text today; I do love storytelling. Hoping you enjoy this and stick your baby pic on your mirror! Enjoy the journey of talking to yourself and being easy on you. I'll see you soon, God willing. To all who always come back for more, Nawapenda sana. 💜